Like a frog in a pot

You may have heard this before: Put a frog in a pot of water and set the burner to simmer. If the change in temperature is sufficiently gradual, by the time the frog experiences pain, it will be too late to escape. (Please don’t try this at home.)

Could you be that frog? It starts simply. While shopping, you pick up a few items for your elderly, widowed father. As time goes on, you get more and more items for him and make extra stops at various stores. Before you know it, you’ve taken on _all_ his shopping and errands. Next, the laundry becomes too difficult for Dad. So, being the dutiful daughter, you’re now washing, drying, and folding his clothes. Then, Dad begins to have difficulty cooking so you bring over a couple of meals a week. Then, well, you get the picture. Before you know it, you’re neglecting your own household and work responsibilities and are so stressed you’re ready to implode.

And what does Dad think about your help? He thinks he needn’t spend any money on his care because “my daughter takes care of it.” He has learned to take your assistance for granted and so have you. Both of you forget how much you do and how long it takes to do it. If Dad has dementia, it’s even worse; he may forget all the “little” things you handle.

While Dad is proud of his ability to live “independently,” you, being human, are growing resentful of the increasing time you spend caring for him. So you bring up the possibility of hiring help and come up against his attitude towards money; i.e., he doesn’t want to spend any. He may even play the guilt card to ensure that you continue to pick up all the chores he is no longer capable of handling. So there you are, boiling, and you can’t jump out.

Here’s another example of a caregiver in a pot. Your wife, who suffers from multiple sclerosis, is experiencing a steady decline and is becoming dependent on you for all of her care. She can no longer move from her wheelchair without help, so you must be with her all the time. Actually, _someone_ must be with her, but she will accept help from no one but her husband. She is unwilling to recognize the amount of stress that results from providing constant aid, and you are unable to identify and state your needs. The situation moves to the breaking point when you are diagnosed with cancer and must undergo chemotherapy.

*Set limits*
The best way a caregiver can reduce stress is to set limits. While respite helps, it is unlikely that someone who won’t set limits will take adequate breaks. More times than I can count, I see caregivers who take far more responsibility for their disabled spouse, parent, or other loved one than they can handle. They ignore there is a limit to what they can provide without harming themselves.

Many caregivers feel guilty if they give any consideration to themselves at all. The following example from “The Caregiver Help Book”:http://www.amazon.com/caregiver-helpbook-Powerful-tools-caregiving/dp/0967915546 illustrates why feeling guilty makes no sense: “When you board an airplane, the flight attendant gives several safety instructions. One of them is, ‘If oxygen masks drop down, put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others.’” This is a vivid example of how tending to your own needs first allows you to assist others.

Setting limits is about taking care of your own needs. When you do so, you will be more competent with those you help.

*And, how?*
Let’s look at a couple of examples to see how setting limits can be good for all involved.

(1) Your aging mother can no longer do her laundry because the washer and dryer are in the basement and it is unsafe for her to climb stairs. Your solution is to do the washing for her. Why not? You work only part time, and visit her weekly anyway. It would be simple to do a load while you’re there and bring it upstairs for her to fold. What you could not foresee is what happens two months later. Your husband gets laid off so you must double your job hours. Now, doing your mother’s laundry — no big deal, remember? — interferes with the precious moments you have with her, not to mention the time-squeeze for your own family.

What could you do differently? Instead of taking over, why not find a way your mother can continue to do her own laundry? Can the washer and dryer be moved upstairs? Or a tandem apartment style washer and dryer be purchased? Maybe your mother would prefer a laundry service? In any event, rather than taking over the task, focus your involvement on helping your mother find a solution.

While this approach has the obvious advantage that you don’t take on the chore, you accomplish something far more significant — you set a precedent: Rather than becoming a provider of care, you identify your role as a problem solver and coordinator. It is essential that this distinction be made as soon as possible because, undoubtedly, as your mother ages her needs will increase.

(2) Your wife has had a stroke and, due to partial paralysis, can no longer cook or do housework. While you know how to make simple meals, you have never enjoyed cooking, let alone eating your own cooking. And, after decades of an old-fashioned marriage, housework is a mystery to you. Your life has become a bowl of chores.

Although you can afford it, your wife doesn’t want to spend money on help. Remember, the cared for may not be able to recognize the adverse effect the changes are having on the care giver. Is your misery good for either of you? Set limits for the sake of both of you — for the sake of your own well-being and for the sake of how your attitude effects your behavior towards your wife. If you have it, spend the money. Hire help for meals and housekeeping. You will both be better off if you don’t have to do chores you hate, and if you have time to pursue interests that sustain you.

We help others for many and often complex reasons but, for the most part, we feel good when we care for those we love. Nevertheless, if we neglect to set limits on how much we are able and willing to do, we risk feeling resentful rather than good about the help we provide.